“Love the PM. Any PM”

YB (Pic courtesy of Instant Cafe Theatre) THOUGH difficult to track down, the infamous YB (just “YB”, like “Madonna” or “Sting” or “Prince”) finally agreed to an exclusive with The Nut Graph. In this interview on 12 May 2010, YB shares his views with us on things Malaysian and current.

YB is currently Deputy Minister in the Ministry of Managing Unexpected and Embarrassing Crises. When queried about his other posts, he says, “I got a letter from David Letterman once, and a restraining order from Julia Roberts. Apart from that I don’t get many interesting things in the post these days.”

TNG: Many people have never heard of you before. Are you really an elected representative?

YB: If people haven’t heard of me, I can’t be held responsible for that. I’ve been a YB since 1990! If you check the photos of Parliament in session in the Dewan Raykat, you can usually spot me in the back. That’s me there having a nice snooze.

Since 1990, I’ve been on the go! I’ve been shunted from every ministry I’ve been assigned to, and even from some that don’t exist but should. I started off as the Deputy Minister in the Ministry of Miscommunication; then the Deputy Minister in the Ministry of Breaking Records; then the Deputy Minister in the Ministry of Space and Tourism, and Deputy Minister in the Ministry of Carbon Footprints and Hot Air.

As for whether I’m elected or not … Elections are overrated. Really. I mean, if our pockets are deep enough, we always know the outcome of the elections even before the elections, so why waste any more money?

Next question please.

What’s your stand on party-hopping?

I am discouraged by it. All this rubbish about parties buying people to “cross over” is not true. I mean, I tried to cross over once but nobody offered me a penny! It was most discouraging.

Would you support the abolishment or review of the Internal Security Act, specifically the provision that allows for detention without trial?

I think people should not be detained without trial. I think they should just go directly to jail. What is the point of calling it detention when what it means is jail? I mean call a spade a spade lah.

I think if we are going to have a mock trial it should be a real mock trial. Anything else would be a mockery of our mock trial. We wouldn’t want that. Otherwise those Australian [members of Parliament] will start shouting and demanding we throw another shrimp on the babi. As if there aren’t enough pig heads and cow heads being thrown around as it is.

Do you think Malaysia should be a secular or Islamic state?

Is that a trick question? We are an Islamic state, aren’t we?

Do you support the whipping of Muslims for syariah offences?

But only if they wash the rotan first. We have to keep things clean and hygienic. The Ministry of Health doesn’t need another scandal on its hands. Or on DVD.

Would you support a Freedom of Information Act? Why or why not?

I think information should be free. That is why I support The Nut Graph. I get to read all their articles for free. I hate websites where you have to use PayPal. Any person who makes me Pay is no Pal of mine. However, if The Nut Graph decides to become a paid website, hopefully I can still get it for free.

But free information should not be for everybody. Somebody has to pay. Somebody always has to pay.

Speaking of pay, can somebody get me some teh tarik and curry puffs? I’ll pay you back later. Heeeheee. And the cheque’s in the mail.

Moving on to more current issues — what is your take on the recent spate of police shootings of civilians?

Police don’t shoot civilians. Guns shoot civilians. But if civilians were more civil, perhaps guns would not shoot people. Guns are sensitive, deep, emotional beings. Anything can trigger them off. Even happiness. That’s why we call them trigger happy.

What’s your take on Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy trial? Do you think he did it?

There’s another sodomy trial? Didn’t we manage to get him the last time? We must be slipping…

Well, it doesn’t matter if he did it or not. We will use “habeuus corpus”. That is Latin for “We will find a body — and hold it against you.”

If this present body doesn’t work, we’ll find another one.

There’s been a lot of noise about the prime minister’s wife appearing in an ad in the New York Times recently. What’s your take on this?

I’m happy she’s in New York doing that ad for hairspray. But my wife is not happy. She has been complaining about the hairspray shortage in KL. Everywhere she went to find hairspray they tell her no stock.

According to the KL Meteorological Department, there’s a hole in the ozone layer above Sri Perdana Putrajaya the size of the Bakun Dam.

Next question, I’m getting hungry.

What are some of your most notable achievements?

Love the PM. Any PM. When they say, “Jump!” I ask, “How high?”

[Keeping] my head down, not walking the talk, and currently making a movie titled Fairies Stole the Jet Engines.

My contribution on climate change at the Copenhagen Summit. On the issue of climate change and rising ocean levels I told them not to worry. Look on the bright side: if ocean levels rise, people don’t have to travel so far to get to the beach.

You’re on Twitter. Do you think this will help increase your popularity as a politician?

I love being a Twit. Since I found Myface and Spacebook I feel closer to the rakyat. You love me, you really love me.

Isn’t it time for lunch yet?

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Judge Mental Singh and Puan Cannot (Courtesy of Instant Cafe Theatre)

YB will appear in Sex! Money! Scandal! The Pandemic at the PJ Live Arts theatre in Jaya One, Petaling Jaya, at 8:30pm on Saturday, 15 May and 5pm, Sunday, 16 May. He is happy to announce that these two shows have been sold out, and he will be making an additional appearance, along with popular personalities Ribena Berry, Puan Cannot, and Judge Mental Singh on 16 May at 8:30pm. To book, call 03-7960 0439 (12pm-8pm Monday to Sunday) or e-mail [email protected].

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